Today Is As Good A Day As Any

I have a procrastination problem. I signed up for this blog over a year ago, and yet, I’m writing for the first time today. I wish I knew what was holding me back? Fear, perfectionism, maybe embarrassment, I have a lot of issues to choose from. However; on the advice of a wise woman, today is the day I begin. 

I don’t like change. Unfortunately, change happens and there is nothing I can do to stop it. So, starting today, I will attempt to embrace change and welcome it with open arms. Most importantly, I’d like to find a way to harness the energy of the Universe to draw positive changes to me, instead of just accepting what comes along.

This is a thrilling and terrifying adventure that I am embarking on today. I’m not sure where to start, but instead of waiting to find the perfect way to begin, I’m jumping in! The last few years have not been great for me. I went through a painful breakup that haunts me to this day, I lost a close friend to cancer, as well as the death of two beloved dogs. Instead of making me stronger or killing me (which is what I have heard are the usual options) I have instead become a kind of zombie in my every day life. Going through the motions, without the emotions that make life worth living.

I miss the joy that I used to feel, even if it means I have to feel the pain that inevitably comes with it. I’ve gained sixty pounds over the last three years as I discovered that I can eat my feelings. I’m tired of being fat and the invisibility that comes with it. I’m tired of isolating myself because I’m ashamed of who I am and what I’ve become. The worst part is that I’m the only person who has been judging me, and I’ve let it keep me from the life that I want to live. I used to be funny, outgoing and free-spirited. I want that girl back!

The change I am making today is being honest about who I am with anyone who happens to read this post, and more importantly, with myself. And, if I’m really being honest, I guess I have to admit I feel absolutely sick at the thought of putting this out there for the world to see. I feel ashamed. But, I hope that after hitting publish, I will also feel a sense of freedom that I haven’t felt in a long time.